How do you say Good Bye to a Baby you Never Held?

This month marks 5 years since I lost my baby through a miscarriage.

It is a silent time in my life.

How do you say goodbye?

I never got to hold my baby.

I never got to feel my baby kick me.

I just know I have a life inside, and then it was taken from me.

That was 5 years ago.

Most of the time life goes on, but a picture or a child would make me think “is that what my child would look like?”

He or she would be four years old now.

And my heart would ache a little. And sadness would creep in.

How do you just say good bye?

Some feel that it wasn’t a little life , that it didn’t count.  If it didn’t count, then why does my heart still hurt today?

Life continues.  I know my baby is being held in heaven.  It is a comforting thing.  But every year, at this time it is still hard.  And it is hard to explain to others just why -and I don’t always don’t know why I am even sad.  But something will make me remember.  Like Lent makes me remember.  I have taken care of  over 20 children.   I have said goodbye to many of them.  Each one I think about-each one special.  But I got to say goodbye to them.  I got to hug them.

And as February fades into March, life continues.  I suppose that every year will bring a moment of sadness.  And that every year will bring moments of healing.  Keeping God as the center of my focus, His love and care-will overshadow me in my sadness and bring me the healing I need for the years to come.


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